King Of My Heart

There’s this worship song, King Of My Heart, by Bethel Music, that came out a couple of years ago. I’m late to the game when it comes to a lot of music so when I heard it, for the first time last fall, I thought to myself: This is such a good one as the people around me sung along without needing to reference their devices. Yup, I was definitely late to the game.

The song tells the story of God’s goodness and faithfulness. Two of my favorite lines are:

You are Good.

and

You’re never going to let me down.

The repetition of the lyrics is powerful, especially when you find yourself singing along, believing what you’re singing.

I’ve always loved worship music. It has been the easiest way for me to connect with God. It’s a way for me to remind myself of who He is, what He has promised, and everything in between.

So when I heard this song and internalized the words, I fell in love. I added it to my Amazon Music list and probably listened to it multiple times a day.

I believed what I sang.

When the song was played at church, I found myself quickly singing along with the people around me. I smiled so hard, wholeheartedly believing. I also would cry from time to time, enveloped in the comfort of His goodness.

And then I lost my footing.

My heart broke.

At first, I didn’t have any negative feelings towards God about it and then, out of nowhere, I did.

I was angry. I was sad. I was unable to articulate the depth of my feelings and questions but they were there, bubbling under the surface.

It was hard to attend gatherings on Sundays. I’d be fine leading up to it and then the moment I entered the building, my body would seize up, as would my heart. I felt myself getting defensive, not wanting to be there.

King Of My Heart was the last song I wanted to hear. Which means, of course, they would play it at church.

I remember standing amongst the people I consider family and clenching my jaw. How could they sing this song? If only they knew. I did not sing the words. Even if I wanted to, I physically couldn’t. My body wouldn’t let me. If I opened my mouth to sing You are good or You’re never going to let me down I would have crumbled. Instead, I cried because I was hurt and the questions were overwhelming.

I didn’t believe what everyone else sang.

After going through the motions of church for a couple of months, right before we ended a particular service with worship, one of the pastors stood in front of everyone and shared that we don’t necessarily sing the words because we believe them to be true. It’s the case for some of us (i.e. me a couple months earlier) but for others of us, the lyrics are a prayer. We want to believe them to be true. We desire to get back to that place.

And then I found my footing.

Slowly, I began to ask for help getting out of the hole. I surrendered to the fact that I may never know why things happen. I began to live my life the way I had before I got my heart broken. I began to smile and laugh without telling myself I should. I began listening to worship music again with hope in my heart. They became my prayers: I want to believe just as I did before.

The question that plagued me the most was: Where was God in all of this?

I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see Him.

And then it hit me.

He was in the details.

He was in the small group of people who saw through me saying I was fine. He gave them the words to penetrate my hardened heart. He was in the family members who cared for me. He was in the gift He had given me many moons ago; writing helped me in ways I never expected. He was in my husband who was and continues to be the best person to walk through the darkest holes with. He was there.

What broke my heart may not have been His desire, but He had arranged it so that I had the love and support I needed to get me through it. He laid the groundwork for a safety net long before I ever knew I’d need one.

There are times when I’m still saddened by the broken heart but I’m on the mend and there are far more good days than bad. Just the other day, I sang King Of My Heart with a smile again followed by tears. This time I cried because I know where I have been and I know how good He has been through it all.  

I don’t know why bad things happen. I don’t know why people hurt.

I do know that He is good and that He won’t ever let me down.

And for now, that’s enough.

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